What kind of demented
algorithm had determined I was a candidate for Depends?
While I was
pondering that question, ads for single men in their 50's started popping up.
Yes, I am in my fifties (which isn't hard to figure out, since my state sells
my voting information and my birthdate is right out there in plain sight), but
I'm happily married and have never given anyone cause to suspect otherwise. It
made me wonder if my husband was being bombarded with ads for single women in
their fifties or worse yet, given society's double standards, single women in
their thirties. But when the ads for 'plus-size flirty dresses' came along, I
got mad. Look, I could stand to lose ten or twelve pounds but, seriously, this
was too much.
Still, I knew it wasn't personal--how could it
be? After I'd researched boarding schools for a story I was writing, I was
bombarded with ads asking, "Do you have a troubled teen?", and offering
suggestions for where to send my problem child. And when I visited the website
of a pool builder, let's call it 'Joe's Pools', ads began to pop up so
frequently that I finally called them and begged them to stop hounding me. The
owner was quite apologetic and explained that he had paid someone a lot of
money to 'get his name out there', but that it wasn't his intention to
"haunt people's dreams" as I’d put it.
I know that
everyone has overhead and that advertising pays the bills, but let's get one
thing straight; my biggest purchases involve buying books and dining out. In
other words, you guys are wasting your valuable advertising dollars on the
likes of me. I remember reading George Orwell's "1984" in middle
school and cringing at the idea of advertising so ubiquitous that there was no
escaping it—even your pillowcase would flash toothpaste ads. Well, I'm
ready for that pillowcase now. And once I post this essay online, I'm sure ads
will pop up for pillowcases, linens, comforters and mattresses, in every size,
color, and price range imaginable. I can hardly wait.
Since I can’t do anything to stop the deluge, I
will do my best to ignore it. I am still optimistic that one day an ad will pop
up for a product or service I actually need; I don’t want to be a
freeloader, getting my news for free and not buying a damn thing. When
that happens, I promise you I will order whatever it is immediately and without
hesitation. But honestly, I hope it's not Depends…
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